“Life’s Like That.  It’s All Part of the Trip!”

On July 3, 1962 in Owosso, Michigan, my mother brought another baby boy into the world - her third child of four.  That would be me - R Cole Bouck!  We were an average, middle-income family.  My mother was a willing homemaker, and my father worked in supervision at Buick Motors in Flint.  By all outward appearances, my family probably mirrored typical, perhaps even some television, families of the time.  Looks, however, can be deceiving.  I would become an introverted and shy young boy.

Honestly, I can not remember a time when I did not know that I was somehow ‘different’ from the other boys on the playground, or those in books, movies and on television.  I can vividly remember being ‘attracted’ to guys in my very young days, but being neither old enough nor mature enough to think of the attraction in any sexual terms.  I remember growing more physically and sexually attracted to boys as I got older.  No matter how strange it seemed, I found myself beginning to fantasize about guys - just as they were fantasizing about girls.  For me that included:  Robert Conrad (James West of ‘Wild Wild West’), Lee Majors (‘The Six Million Dollar Man’), Christopher Knight (Peter of ‘The Brady Bunch’), Gary Frank (Willie of ‘Family’), James Brolin (Dr. Kiley of ‘Marcus Welby, MD.’), Gregory Harrison (of ‘Trapper John, M.D.’), Lance Kerwin (‘James at 15’), Don Grady (Robbie of ‘My Three Sons’), Shaun Cassidy and Parker Stevenson (‘The Hardy Boys’), Patrick Duffy (of the ‘man from Atlantis’, and later on as Bobby of ‘Dallas’, and certain guys at school to name a few.  This may not be easy for some to understand.  I did not understand it myself at the time.  I felt different from every other boy around, and I was quite certain I was ‘the only one’s quite certain I was ‘the only one’. 

I remember growing up and hearing words like ‘queer’, ‘fag’, and ‘homo’, and knowing that they were bad things to be thought of as, but not understanding why. Still, for some reason, I identified with those terms.  Whether they were being said to me directly or not, somehow I knew they applied to me too.  While I was growing up, my family took numerous trips up north to our cabin.  I remember a certain grocery store along the way which always had a sign posting the price of its ‘homo’ milk.  I was old enough to know what it really meant; yet I shuddered each time we drove past it, as if all eyes were watching me to see how I would react.  Of course they were not.  Today, it would provide me with a laugh (“What?  Now we have or own milk?”, or, “See...that’s what did it to me!”).  I also remember standing behind my father once, as he sat in the living room up north at our cottage watching the evening news.  As near as I can figure now, it must have been sometime around the New York City Stonewall Riots of 1969, or some similar event of the time.  The Stonewall Riots marked the birth of the gay civil rights movement, something I would not have known of then.  I would have been about seven years old.  The television story featured some protests by gays, and I can still see the black and white images of people marching in the streets.  What I remember most is the chilling comment made by my father, as a suggestion for the police in handling those ‘dammed queers’.  Again, although I did not understand who ‘they’ were, somehow I knew he was also inadvertently speaking to me.  I am proud to be able to say that my father and I since became very close. 

While in no way do I wish to imply that growing up gay is easy nowadays, on the whole it was much less so back then.  It was quite unlike today: when even public high schools form and sustain Gay/Straight Alliances for support; when a gay cowboy movie like ‘Brokeback Mountain’, and a moving movie about a transgender woman like ‘TransAmerica’, have been all the rage at the BIG screen, and each gets an Oscar nod; when cable-only networks push out such gems as Bravo’s ‘Boy Meets Boy’ and ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’, HBO’s ‘Six Feet Under’, and MTV’s ‘Real World’; when non-cable TV networks seem to almost compete with each other to have TV shows with the most out, significant and positive gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender characters, such as ‘Desperate Housewives’, ‘Brothers and Sisters’; when reality shows are filled with competitive players who self-identify as LGBT, almost to increase their chances of standing out in the pack; when even completely LGBT networks are being launched, like HERE & LOGO; when ‘out’ federal, state and local politicians (US Representative Barney Frank, D-MA; former MI State Rep. Chris Kolbe; & Lansing City Clerk Chris Swope) are no longer afraid to be open about who they are; when sodomy laws are struck down nationwide as unconstitutional; when you could even be raided in a bar not for any gay behavior, but simply for congregating along with others who simply were gay or lesbian; when states like Vermont, New Hampshire and New Jersey adopt legal same-sex civil unions or domestic partnerships, and two states (that’s even double since I last edited this), California and Massachusetts, have even legalized gay marriage; and, when the internet offers international and seemingly endless provisions of gay ‘anything’, including chat rooms, match makers and video streaming.

Yes, my early and growing up years were a very different time.  If there was anything ‘gay’ (mostly referred to then as ‘homosexual’) in the news, press or media at all, it was neutral at best.  And it was easy to read the articles and see the news and television spots, and feel as though you were a part of that segment in society folks just didn’t know what to do with - like the wayward child in a family, who’s ‘problems’ no one wants to talk about, and everyone just hopes will come around so they don’t have to talk about the hard stuff.

Introverted throughout most of my childhood, I stayed in my shell until my junior year of high school.  That fall, I joined my high school's debate team, and by winter I had landed a job at our local roller skating rink.  A roller rink in 1979, with Abba and disco, “How VERY gay!”  During the nearly two years before I left Owosso for Adrian College, I dated a few girls.  We even became sexually involved, but there is no doubt I was trying desperately to deny my true sexuality.  I arrived at Adrian College the same way, and ready to make up for lost time - with respect to making friends and participating in school activities, that is.  I did not disappoint myself.

ADRIAN COLLEGE - FRESHMAN YEAR, AUGUST 1980
I began the fall semester of 1980 at Adrian College living in Davis Hall.  I was still ‘going steady’ with a girl from Owosso, whom I had met at the skating rink and gone out with on and off for a couple of years.  Eagerly, I became involved in every campus activity I could.  I was elected President of Davis Hall Dorm Council, Vice-President of the Campus Pre-Law Society, and as a Representative to Student Government.  I even volunteered in Republican political races.  A dorm mate of mine and I rushed a couple of fraternities, and we each finally accepted a bid from Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE).  Shortly thereafter, I was elected Chapter Secretary for the following year.  The academic advisor in my Political Science major, who also happened to be our fraternity's Chapter Advisor, and I became close friends.  He would invite me and other fraternity brothers over to his house, for Sunday dinners and other visits.  It felt like a family away from home.

I began the winter semester of 1981 by moving into the fraternity house, and shared a room with a friend from my dorm.  In so doing, I gave up my position with the Dorm Council and took on other tasks, such as Rush Chairman for the fraternity.  Recruitment - what a natural task for a gay guy, eh?  Go figure!  But seriously, it felt good knowing that the men of my chapter trusted my ‘character’ enough to put me in charge of increasing our membership.  I also often volunteered as a Tour Guide for the Admissions Office.  On a personal note, I continued ‘going through the motions’ with my girlfriend, but winter semester presented me with the first confrontation of my denial. 

I had been partying late one night at one of our house Rush parties when an upperclassman attendee, who I also knew from the Admissions Office and who had partied sort of hard, asked if we could go back to my room to discuss his joining the fraternity.  The music was genuinely loud - that's no surprise - and he wanted to talk more quietly.  Some of my brothers pulled me aside to ‘warn me’ not to be alone with him because they were sure he was ‘a fag’.  I assured them they were over-reacting and that I would be fine.  Deep inside, however, I knew I was desperately hoping they were right - and they were.  During our closed door discussion his conversation gradually became more personal, and he eventually made a pass at me with his hand.  For just a couple of seconds I froze in intrigue and excitement, but I quickly became terrified and ran from my room.  It shames me to admit that I bragged to the guys about their being right, and I did feel terrible.  “But I wasn't gay!”  (As a postscript, the next fall he and I actually became reacquainted as friends.) 

At the end of the semester, I was selected by the Admissions Office to be an Orientation Leader for their spring orientation program.  “What a thrill... and what an honor to be selected as a representative of my own campus!”  I stayed in the fraternity house between the ending of school and the start-up of Orientation, and became briefly ‘involved’ with someone who was also staying there during the interim.  For the summer, I stayed at home with mom, while working at the skating rink and dating my girlfriend.  Towards the end of the summer, and even as she and I were still dating, I became ‘involved’ with one of the instructors at the rink with whom I had been buddying around.  He was older than me.  Although it was a short and simply exploratory relationship for me, it was a very special one.

ADRIAN COLLEGE - SOPHOMORE YEAR, AUGUST 1981
I began the fall semester of 1981, my sophomore year, still living in the fraternity house, but now in a single room with a cool loft.  I continued on as Chapter Secretary and Rush Chairman and joined college theater, landing roles in three of the year's four plays.  At the house, I had become particularly good friends with one of my fraternity brothers, and we spent many late nights working on the Chapter's Rush programs together.  That fall he unwittingly presented me with the final challenge to my self-denial of my homosexuality; and it sprung me right ‘out of the closet’! 

He and I had been in the habit of staying up late to talk, play backgammon, or whatever; and there was an understanding that we could talk about anything at any time.  One morning in early October, at about 3:00 AM, he came into my room and told me he had something very important to talk about.  I took a moment to wake up and I listened to him.  He told me about a pledge who had asked him a very important question, and he was not sure if he had given him the right answer.  Reassuring him that he probably had, I asked what the question was.  Somehow I had a premonition of what the question was going to be - I could just tell.  My mind began to whirl with thought and emotion, distracting me as I listened.  The pledge had admitted to being gay, and wanted to know if there was any point in his continuing the process of joining the fraternity.  I asked my fraternity brother what he told the pledge.  He replied that if the pledge felt he could be a brother in good standing and not embarrass the chapter, he should continue.  If he didn’t think that was possible, then he should not.  I told him that I felt he had given some good advice, but I quickly began to tremble and cry, and I ran into my room.  He followed after me, asking what was wrong.  I repeatedly told him he would not understand, and that I could not tell him.  He repeatedly told me everything would be alright and that I could.  Finally, in one humongous burst of energy, I told him that I was gay too!  The only way I can describe how it felt is to compare it to those first few seconds following a big sneeze!   (Achoo!!  What a relief!)

The first couple of weeks seemed impossible to deal with.  After a roller coaster of feelings, somewhere between desperate and suicidal, I contacted the City of Adrian's 24-hour crisis intervention center in the middle of one night.  The person who answered the phone, and who talked with me for what felt like hours, convinced me to contact Community Mental Health of Adrian the following morning.  I did, and got in immediately for an intake screening, which led to some one-on-one counseling at their offices.  The cost was on a sliding scale: $1 per visit.  I began going weekly, then every other week, and then once a month, finishing the following May.  Dial-a-Ride got me there and back: $.50 each way.  I was lucky.  My counselor, Anne Mixer, never once suggested I try to ‘change’.  We concentrated, instead, on me accepting who I was.

I still kept very quiet about it, and I did not tell another soul on campus; except a sorority girl I was friends with and eventually the student who had made the pass at me in my room.  I finished out the year continuing on with theater, serving as my chapter's Rush Chairman, running for Student Council President, being selected a second time as an Admissions Office Orientation Leader for Spring 1982, and being selected as an Alpha Phi Big Brother (Brother of Bordeaux).  It was also that spring that I told my girlfriend I was gay; and in so doing, I also learned that I was the second guy to tell her that.  Needless to say, she did not take to it very well.  I left Adrian for the summer very proud of who I was, and anxiously looking forward to the upcoming summer away.  For the first time in my life, I was genuinely happy!

THE SUMMER OF 1982 - THE TRANSITION
The skating instructor with whom I had been close the previous summer, extended an offer to accompany me any time I decided I was ready to go to my first ‘gay’ bar.  He didn't want my first experience to be a lonely, vulnerable one.  So you can imagine that as soon as I arrived home at my mom's for the summer, I called him up.  May 27, 1982.  I still remember the ride into Lansing as we headed for Trammpps Disco.  Even the name scared me!  As we walked in, it was quite a sight...quite a bar - not to be confused with one of today’s ‘clubs’.  Bars (and of course rest areas and the like, but I knew nothing of that) were all we had for meeting other gays, and there were few of them.  Some were only gay on certain nights.  They all seemed dark, akin to a ‘meat market’; and you looked cautiously around you, over both shoulders, as you approached and left.  But now I had arrived.  You had to be ‘buzzed’ in through a chain-link fence door for ‘security’.  How strange and, “Oh my God...” there were men dancing with men!  Suddenly I felt free, and for the first time in my life, normal.  It felt like it might feel having been lost for a very long time, and finally finding your way home!  I wasn't in Kansas no more!  The music that played that night included:  Abba - “The Visitor”, Human League - “Don’t You Want Me Baby”, and Soft Cell - “Tainted Love”.

It wasn’t long before I realized Adrian College had become too small for me, which had nothing to do with the quality of the education, available programming, or the supportive people around campus.  It was just that Adrian could no longer accommodate this new part of my life, and I began the process of transferring to Michigan State University. 

Staying at home that summer was difficult.  Owosso is about 28 miles from Lansing.  Without a car, it was a long way to go to party, but I was lucky.  I quickly met a man at Trammpps  from Owosso, who often drove to Lansing himself.  We quickly became good plutonic friends. Often I would ride with him, and other times I was able to borrow my mom's car.  Mother and I have always been very close, and she is a very inquisitive person.  Actually, I never lied to her about any of this.  Instead, I counted on her unfamiliarity with Lansing and the names of its establishments to maintain my secret.  I always told her the names of the places I planned to go to.  Interestingly, however, even as I told myself she would never check up on me, or find out about me being gay, I simultaneously set it up for her to find out, and hoped she would. 

By August she was obviously beginning to suspect I was gay.  As I prepared to return to Adrian for my last semester, I suddenly got questions like, “Why don't your friends ever talk about their girlfriends?”, and, “Why aren't they dating any girls?”.  The day I left for Adrian, while I was driving us home from church, we had a verbal exchange that put us both on notice; but nothing was either confirmed or denied.

ADRIAN COLLEGE - JUNIOR YEAR, AUGUST 1982
I returned to Adrian College for the fall semester of 1982 with an entirely new sense of energy and self.  For Dr. Cetola's ‘Applied Psychology’ class, I did a humongous research paper on ‘Ego-Dystonic Homosexuality’.  I have long since forgotten even what that means, but I can recall as clearly as yesterday his reaction to the 48-plus page research paper when I turned it in to him (and just to let you know, this was before computers, and typewriters with correction or memory).  It had become more than just a research paper, it had become a statement!  Although I was not yet secure enough to tell other students why I was really doing the topic, I never lied either.  I took on a roommate at the fraternity house - ironically, the former pledge who had confronted my fellow Frater about being gay.  We were just friends.  Unfortunately, as it turned out, he was not able to keep from ‘embarrassing’ the chapter.  Following an incident at the house during Rush, where he made a pass at another prospective member, the chapter voted him out.  It was embarrassing and it was difficult, and I was in the middle.  I can’t help but think that at least some of the guys quietly suspected me of being gay, but left me alone since I had never made it an issue; perhaps all or some had no idea.  I don’t know.  But I helped mediate the situation as best I could.  I continued dating a guy from Michigan State in East Lansing, whom I had met at the end of the summer, and I remained in the room alone.

Up to that point, my mother and I had never discussed her suspicions.  One September day at the fraternity house, I received a very special letter from her.  (Please see the attached letter).  It began like all of the others - an update of what was going on in the family and neighborhood, and with whom.  Suddenly, it skipped to something totally different.  She wrote, “Cole, I wish we’d had an opportunity to talk before you left... First of all, you know I love you, and I know you love me, and that will never change... there is nothing you could do that would effect my love for you... It became clear to me in July that you have made some important decisions about your personal relationships.  Finding out that Trammpps is a gay bar only reinforced my suspicions.  I realize this must be a difficult and confusing choice for you./  It has not been easy for me either... I want to relieve your mind of any concerns you may have, at this time, of our relationship...”, and she continued on.  Of course I cried.  Her letter remains the single most touching letter I have ever received, and says everything one needs to know about the kind of person she is.  I am so very lucky to have her as my mom.

Later that semester, I and a few other gay male students, along with support from the Dean's and Chaplain's Offices, formed a campus gay student support group.  We met several times and it was quite helpful for each of us.  The campus paper carried several articles on us, but I do not believe it lasted long after that semester.  The school is fortunate for the subsequent students who formed and have sustained ‘Safe Place’ - Adrian’s LGBT and Allied student group, recognized and supported by Student Affairs.

In December, once classes had ended, my friend from Owosso came to Adrian with his big Cadillac, to help me move out of the fraternity house and away from Adrian College.  It was an emotional time, and sad, but it was not scary.  I transferred to Michigan State.

THE TRANSFER TO MICHIGAN STATE - DECEMBER 1982
Even after my mom's letter, she and I didn't discuss my being gay for quite some time; each afraid to go first, I believe.  I remember going home for Christmas that December with all of my belongings - Michigan State bound.  The first night at home I purposefully (though not admittedly it at the time) left my large psychology research paper on a living room chair before going out with friends to Lansing.  When I got home late that night, mom was waiting for me - wide awake!  Doing her best to bring up an essential conversation about an uncomfortable topic, she began in anger.  For four hours it continued and it evolved, until we were both crying and exhausted, yet relieved.  She promised to work as hard as she could to 'deal with and understand it', and asked me to provide her with as much information as I could.  One step ahead of her, I had already picked out two books for her to read.  I am not sure how else I might have told her one day.  There is never an easy or good way, really.  In all but the fewest of cases, I believe, it is a very frightening thing to plan to do.  Real or imagined, it feels drenched in risk.

MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY AND BEYOND
I arrived at Michigan State safe and sound, and loved it.  It was a good fit.  I owe my success as a student, however, to Adrian College.  It is certainly where all of my ‘fun’ college memories are from.  At the time, I had a brother age 14, a sister age 27 and another brother age 29.  My entire family was eventually informed of my being gay: each at a different time, each in a different way, and each with a different reaction.  My mother was rather matriarchal in handling the matter.  I remember her letting my siblings know, in her own way, that when the day came that I had a 'special friend', that person would be as welcome at family gatherings as their spouses were; and if that was a problem, they should feel free to make other plans.  It has never gotten to that point with any of them.  In fact, I have been blessed with a wonderfully supportive family, including my father.  I graduated from Michigan State, with honors, in December 1984.

CAREER AND WORK
During my last months at Michigan State and into the following summer, I worked as a waiter in an East Lansing restaurant and pub, as well as in sales and management at retail stores in the Meridian Mall.  In August of 1985, I was hired by the Michigan Department of Corrections as a Corrections Officer to open a new medium security prison.  In the past twenty-three years, I have worked from Corrections Officer to Resident Unit Officer, to Sergeant, to Assistant Resident Unit Manager, to Resident Unit Manager, to Warden’s Administrative Assistant, to my current position as Administrative Assistant to the Regional Prison Administrator. Each position has, to varying degrees, involved my working inside a correctional facility; and I have worked in every security level from minimum to super-maximum.  I have helped to open two new facilities in the state.  Long since comfortable in being ‘out’ in my personal life, I began much more guarded with respect to my work and my professional life.  Corrections is a conservative para-military profession.

In 1992, I was ‘outed’ at my work location of the time, in what was both a horrible yet liberating experience.  Because the decision to make my sexuality an issue at work was not my own, I suddenly felt free to embrace it.  Since that time, I have been open about my being gay (and as part of the broader issue of equality in general).  And when I have been uncertain as to whether or not my being gay might be an issue, I have addressed it directly before accepting a new position.  I cannot imagine it any other way.  Comfortingly, that no longer seems necessary.

In 2000, I discovered a network of gay and lesbian law enforcement and criminal justice professionals - ‘Law Enforcement Gays & Lesbians’ (LEGAL-International) - which conducts professional development and networking conferences annually.  That year, on a whim, I decided to request paid leave to attend the conference - something the Department had already established in precedence for other conferences targeting the professional interests of women and African Americans in these fields.  I was sure I would be denied, and I was.  I had imagined beforehand that I would just ‘drop it’, but it didn’t work that way.  Having already attended that year’s conference by the time the denial was returned, and having had to use my personal vacation time to attend, the Department’s decision to reject my request incensed me.  I filed an employee grievance contesting the decision, and through a process of appeals and mediation a resolution was reached.  I was reimbursed for my vacation time.  The following year, in 2001, my request was approved without discussion.  I considered it a considerable victory for Michigan Department of Corrections employees, as well as other employees of the State of Michigan.  “Patience...”

In 2002, I was nominated and selected for a turn at our Department’s competitive leadership academy, seeking out staff whom the Department feels are among its future leaders.  I mention this mainly because I feel it demonstrates that even an employee who may push accepted boundaries of an organization, perhaps even in direct opposition to its established leaders, can still be successful.  Real excitement for me came later in 2002, with the election of Jennifer Granholm as Governor, well known to be an LGBT ally.  In 2003, early in her term, she issued Executive Order 2003-24, banning discrimination based on sexual orientation from the state workplace.  Her actions made Michigan the 11th state to offer such protection at the time.

I earned the good fortune early-on in our new Director’s tenure to be able to meet with her on occasion, to discuss various LGBT issues.  Following a meeting in 2005, seeking Department recognition of the LEGAL conferences as legitimate professional development opportunities, she was not yet ready to disseminate conference information directly out of the Director’s office, as had been the case for other conferences.  I was encouraged to disseminate the information myself, however, and was assured that leave would be approved.  And I did.  “Baby Steps...”

I continued to have the privilege of bending her ear.  In 2007, and for the first time, the Department went beyond simply approving leave for an employee to attend, and Director Caruso officially announced the conference from the Director’s Office.  She has done so since.  “Real success!”  Also that year, and for the second year in a row, there were MDOC employees other than just myself in attendance.  That made me smile!  Later that year, I was invited to begin serving as a Board member on the Department’s Minority Advisory Panel (MAP), and was selected to serve as Board Secretary & Communications liaison.  The broadening of this organization’s focus has been a very moving development for me!  My special interest lies in our Department’s efforts towards promoting diversity, and ensuring that sexual orientation is included in the discussion of it.

EDUCATION
I earned my Bachelor of Artsdegree from Michigan State University and graduated ‘with honors’ in December of 1984.  My majors included psychology and political science.   I earned my Master of Public Administration degree, while working full-time, from Western Michigan University and graduated in April of 1991.

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, Newsletter Editor; Michigan Campaign for Human Dignity (MCHD), 1993-94, An Organized Michigan Response to Colorado’s 1992 Anti-Gay Constitutional Amendment, Board Member and Secretary; Triangle Foundation, Ongoing, Statewide LGBT Civil Rights and Advocacy Organization.

PERSONAL
I enjoy working out at the Michigan Athletic Club, watching movies, having folks over for dinner, traveling, and my lake cottage in northern Michigan.